i received
two white short sleeved shirts
in the mail,
from a company
that sells things
such as
Japanese denim and
leather low top shoes
and short sleeved white shirts.
i tried on
one of the shirts
shortly after
opening the package
and thought the shirt smelled like
an India Pale Ale beer.
i don’t drink beer
anymore but
i used to drink
a lot of beer.
i placed my
coffee cup carefully
down on a flat surface
as i did not want
any chance
of staining
the new white shirt
with coffee.
i used to not
drink any coffee at all
but now
i drink it
intermittently.
in the Spring i feel
the rise of mania
and this gives rise to
a depression
that is likely really more
a trepidation.
i ordered the
two white short sleeved shirts
several months ago,
back when i was
running every day
and involved with
unsustainable eating patterns
that i thought at the time
were sustainable.
the shirts would have
fit me very well
had they arrived
back when i ordered them.
they would have
clung to my body
much the same as they
cling now,
only the parts that
press into the material
of the shirt would have been seen as
more socially acceptable,
more indicative of
“health”
which is to say
“morality”
and
“intelligence”.
now,
the fat at my belly
has swollen again.
i don’t drink beer
anymore but
the belly fat swells
and the white short sleeved shirt
smells like an India Pale Ale
and the coffee i drink
sometimes
makes my stomach feel sour
on the inside.
when i used to drink beer
i would wake in the morning
and feel my stomach
sour on the inside
and think that that feeling was
“hunger”
as in
“my body needs calories
to survive”,
but really it was
“hunger”
as in
“whether or not
something ‘fits’
is a matter of
opinion
and context
and we were all born
as a softness,
a depression,
a slight divot.
a stillness
where things pool up.”
zakschafer.com 