you drink wine now? you go on vacation?

he’s better looking than me.

he’s had sex with at least one woman i’ve also had sex with,
and countless more that i may or may not also perhaps want to have sex with.
i saw him walking towards me in the dark of Winter evening in a northern clime;
it wasn’t really all that late, but dark, absolutely dark.

he looked bigger to me than the last i had seen him,
which was maybe three years ago at this point.
bigger, broader through the shoulders, more muscled.
his hat was rolled up so as not to cover the ears;
it was cold out, i was wearing a hat that covered my ears, to keep them warm, but it’s more trendy and cool and stylish to wear the woolen cap rolled up like that.
and he is cool.
likely his ears were cold.

i might have spent a lot of my life trying to be cool,
but then again maybe not.
some things i like also happen to be cool.
and some things i like aren’t.
even when i do things that are cool,
that doesn’t move the needle on me.
i remain uncool.

i was surprised to see him when i passed him;
a small joy of being in a body such as my body is rarely do i feel much fear when in proximity to other people.
which is to say;
always i feel a sense of fear but it doesn’t so much relate to actual worry about my physical safety in any realistic or rational way.
this is to say;

i worry about a giant bowling ball bouncing down the street and obliterating me when i step off the sidewalk.
i don’t worry about trucks or cars.
i worry about giant birds unassumingly running their blood black beaks through my fragile egg-like skull,
worry about the yolk spilling from me and those laughing giant birds having a good time licking it up.
i worry about my heart stopping.
always stopping.
a twinge, a flutter, a prick of sensation in my chest convinces me that my flailing heart is on the attack.

but i don’t worry about getting beaten up or robbed.
so i do not feel fear when i see the seemingly muscled form of a man walking towards me in the mid-evening dark Winter street.

i had headphones in,
listening to a new album by a Japanese woman who plays really listless electronic ambient music,
and i was stuffed full of pizza,
having just met a friend and having just had not at all a good time,
way too heavy of a time,
so i loaded myself down with pizza and then worried about my twitching heart as i walked home.
i had headphones in and stepped just a little nervously off the sidewalk,

bracing myself for that giant bowling ball that will bounce out of and from nothing and absolutely magnificently obliterate me,

and i see the muscled form walking towards me.
once within maybe ten maybe fifteen feet,
i can see beneath the cool woolen rolled up hat that doesn’t protect the cold ears,
the face of the man that i recognize.
he’s never known me and still doesn’t know me or maybe he does but i do not know and we don’t know each other to say hello,
even though i know him and he may or may not know me.
i know several women he has had sex with,
i myself having had sex with one of them, myself.
i know he is considered good looking by women and though i do not find men sexually attractive i still find some men good looking and he is one that i would apply this label. physically.
i am not sure what kind of a person he is and i lean towards thinking he is kind of dishonest and self-obsessed but of course i myself am also probably somewhat dishonest and self-obsessed and also uncool on top of that which likely also makes me bitter and jealous and probably insecure and needy.
i say hello to him as we pass and i smile at him,
as i like to say hello to people and smile,
especially men,
as men seem to not so much like doing this to other men,
especially here in this more industrial and rough-hewn town i am in,
and this i s’pose is somewhat bullying of me but also it’s nice to smile and say hello and i am always surprised and delighted by the men who smile and say hello back,
the big brawny men with the mess of beard on their face and the furrows in their brow and they stare at me and then,
in response,
they smile!
and say hello!

he does not smile though he does say something which i believe is something akin to hello.
i have headphones in my ears and though the music is really not even so much music as it is the quiet daydreams of electronic instruments,
i still can’t fully hear what is actually going on around me.

making the possibility of a giant bouncing obliterating bowling ball or a giant prank-pulling bird sneaking up on me very real.

his face looks sad,
to me,
which is bolstered by his eyes,
which also look sad,
to me.
not so much sad as uncertain.
and then i recall how i am a male of medium-to-large size and recall that i am a prime suspect as an aggressor and so it would make sense that someone passing me,

me! uncool! insecure! finding some men attractive! afraid of giant birds! bitter! with warm ears!

me, someone passing me may worry for their safety.
which is why it is important to smile,
important to nod,
important to say hello.

your body is your body.
you are trapped in it.
you can dress it and pierce it and mark it.
you can grow it and shrink it.
you can rub oils that are good for its skin and oils that affect its smell,
all over it.
it is your body,
but it isn’t entirely you.
use it.
say hello with it.
smile with it.
parade it around and sit it down.
protect it and fling it about.
smile with it.

at some point it won’t be yours to say hello with anymore,
but right now,
right now,
right now,
it is.

Published by Zak

an intertidal island in an ocean of impermanence.

2 thoughts on “you drink wine now? you go on vacation?

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