“you should get one. it’s a great place for those kind of self-oriented musings.”

still i struggle
with believing other people
are real.

i went running
this morning
and that wasn’t so
fun but i felt
good most of the
day afterwards and
this feels important
to me.
feels important
to other
people.

but it is not.

still i struggle
with recognizing;
things that are
important
to me are
very often barely
discernible to
others.

today i told
a friend,
“i enjoy looking at
the surrounding mountains;
they look so big, but
really they aren’t.
sometimes I feel
oppressed
by their weight,
or maybe it’s my
smallness
that causes me to feel
crushed.
other times it is this
very smallness
that allows me to revel
in all this space.
i still take solace
in knowing
there are so many
jobs and towns I can
disappear into.
so much of myself
still left
to discover.”

he told me i
should get a
journal.
he told me
that sort of
self-reflective thinking
is better left unsaid
to others.
he told me that
he existed by
responding to me.
yet here i am,
still struggling
with whether or
not he exists.
or me, maybe
it’s me, maybe
i’m a collaborator
in this un-existence.

the day is nearly
done and
still i feel mostly
good.
the run from
this morning
has not worn off.
this feels important
to me.
soon i will walk
from where i am
now
to a place i am not
yet.
on this walk,
i will likely see
the surrounding mountains,
though maybe
the clouds will have
moved in and
i won’t be able to see
them. still, i
think of them
still, still
behind their cloud.
still with their backdrop
of spinning blue unknowingness.
still, not
minding at all
if i struggle
with belief
of their existence.

Published by Zak

an intertidal island in an ocean of impermanence.

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