i’m thinking of practicing
intentional celibacy.
including an abstention
from solitary sexual
pursuits. perhaps this
practice might bring about
a better understanding
of desire and
need.
now, i
understand that i am
difficult, even
“mentally ill”. i struggle
with trust and self-worth,
have habits of being
harsh. habits
that inevitably encourage
people away. and
this is a postage stamp town,
in a pandemic. and
i’m an introvert with
a hollow social
circle; even in the
healthiest of times,
meeting someone who wants
to be present, is not
a common occurrence.
human relationships seem
transactional:
we offer each other good
will and good humor and
conversation and
companionship. we
play games together or
cook together or like to
play music or sports
together.
maybe we like to
have sex together, casually or
with conditions of monogamy.
and we also manipulate
each other, to get
what we think we
want. what we need.
i am sure
i have.
of course all of this is to say;
i am astoundingly lonely.
lonely, just another
word for possibility,
unhindered.
and emptiness, like
loneliness, another word
perhaps misunderstood:
absence is fecundity,
the birthing grounds for
presence.
so in our every
empty moment exists
both absence and
presence. exhaustion,
and a limitless
ripening.
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